A Closer Look at Cold Feet
The phrase “cold feet” was first used in reference to gambling, which is pretty relevant to marriage. After all, what’s a bigger gamble than vowing to spend the rest of your life with one other person? You don’t know who your partner will become, who you will become, or what you’ll both have to overcome once you’re legally bound until death (or divorce) do you part.
If you’re reading this as a soon-to-be wed with sweat forming on your forehead, take a deep breath. The truth is, a lot of people experience premarital anxiety (i.e., cold feet). The problem is, a lot of those people put more effort into ignoring or suppressing those feelings than they do resolving them. This blog aims to explain why confronting cold feet is the only way to gain steadier footing in your relationship and life.
Fear Festers
Consider wildfires. What begins as a manageable burn that could be extinguished with a bucket of water becomes a blaze that requires military helicopters and forces of nature to get under control. Premarital fears work in a similar fashion. Addressing these inconvenient inklings ASAP is crucial to minimizing the damage they can create.
Most soon-to-be weds who experience cold feet are guilty of neglecting these embers of insecurity. In some instances, these issues have gone unaddressed since the first date. In others, they are the result of unforeseen circumstances that didn’t arise until the wedding planning started heating up. Regardless, if these doubts are making you seriously rethink your decision to get married, you can’t afford to ignore them any longer.
You Can’t FITYMI
One of the most ill-advised pieces of advice you can give an apprehensive bride or groom is, “Fake it till you make it.” While you technically can approach your wedding day this way, it rarely works out in the long run. Reason being, the “honeymoon phase” is typically the easiest part of a marriage. Keeping up a happy facade becomes increasingly harder as the difficulties of long-term commitment stack up.
A healthier alternative is, “Make it make sense.” Finding a genuine reason why your wedding is worth going through with is a much more reliable course of action than suppressing your doubts until they magically disappear. To paraphrase Friedrich Nietzsche, “[He/she] who has a ‘why’ to [wed] for can bear almost any how.” Find your why, and those cold feet will thaw in time to carry you down the aisle. Unfortunately, you have to be willing to ask yourself some difficult questions to get there.
There Are No Easy Answers
Getting cold feet complicates things. If you leave your insecurities unexamined, you may find yourself battling a larger fire once you leave the altar (or courthouse, or wherever you’re making things official). If you choose to face your fears and end up finding your why, you’re still going to feel a fair amount of discomfort throughout the process. If all that soul searching results in the decision to end your engagement, you’re likely going to burn some bridges.
In keeping with our gambling metaphor, every option comes with risk. What you have to decide is which risk is worth the reward. Is saving face at a beautiful wedding worth potentially finding yourself in an unfulfilling marriage? Is feeling confident about saying “I do” worth the distress of addressing your deepest premarital fears? Is leaving yourself open for your perfect match worth the emotional (and possibly financial) damage of walking away from the wrong person? It’s a lot for one person to ponder, which is why you should share that burden with someone else.
You’re Not Alone
As the previously hyperlinked study suggests, a lot of people experience some degree of cold feet before their wedding. In fact, your partner may be struggling with similar feelings. There will be no shortage of difficult conversations throughout the course of your marriage, and the earlier you can learn how to navigate tough subjects, the better.
That said, going straight to your partner with your marital insecurities can be intimidating. Clarifying your concerns with a trusted friend or relative beforehand can alleviate stress while establishing an opportunity to deepen your relationship with them. You might even discover they had similar troubles, or know someone who did.
If the risk of opening up to someone who will likely be at your wedding outweighs the reward of feeling seen by them, Closer Look Counseling provides a safe and confidential space to suss out the source of your premarital woes. Our counselors aren’t here to push you in one way or the other. We just want to help you understand all of the cards in your hand so you can make a smart bet. Fill out the form on our Premarital Counseling page or Contact us directly if you’d like to hear more during a free 15-minute consultation.